I entered an opening paragraph in the Electric Spec mini slush pile game and editor Betsy has commented.
I'm really flattered with the comments and I agree with the points about waffly and vague adjectives. When I start a new story, I start with a mood or a scene. Plot comes when I have to think about what I'm going to do with the result. Often my terms are vague initially because I haven't made decisions about the things I'm describing. These are the sorts of things I would have tidied up if I'd finished it.
Unfortunately, editor David's comment that this is an overdone plot is true and I couldn't think of a way to resolve it that didn't read like a complete rip-off of Logan's Run.
So, now I'm going to polish up Alexandria (working title) and send it off to Electric Spec.